Stripping, Somatica, and Sex & Relationship Coaching with Lexi
“It was so common that people would have issues in their relationships - but instead of going inwards with their partner or themselves, they are looking outwards and trying to put on bandaids and distract themselves temporarily.
I saw it over and over and it pained me a little bit.
I remember feeling that I wanted to offer more somehow.
I connected with Lexi, a former stripper and now Somatica method-trained Experiential Sex + Relationship Coach.
We chatted on a vast array of topics from motherhood to masturbation to sex work.
If you want to work with Lexi, you can reach her at her Instagram account @lexirosewaterme or visit her website:
www.butterflyeffect-lexi.com
Night & Day: So Lexi, please tell me about your self.
I know you used to be a dancer and you have a beautiful daughter!
Lexi: Well I was always the most sexual person in my friend groups at a young age…so I’ve been very connected to my sexuality.
I remember early on wanting to have a kid. I was living with my grandmother and I remember saying “I know what kids need, and I know I’m not getting it and I want to give it.” I got pregnant at 18 and it was the most beautiful thing ever.
Despite me being insecure about not being where everyone else was, I felt very much where I needed to be.
Having a kid it’s like a portal to a new whole way of living and feeling in this world.
It’s very special and sacred.
Anyways, when my daughter was really young, I was pouring my everything into motherhood. It was very exhausting and tiring. I was also very disconnected sexually and spiritually from my daughter’s father. I was trying to grow and he wasn’t and we ended up splitting.
I ended up not finishing beauty school and I was trying really hard working customer service, waitressing, and hosting jobs.
I was a newly single mom moving from Santa Rosa to the Bay Area, busting my ass and still only getting $400 every 2 weeks, while rent for my studio was $1800. I was desperate, not being able to ask anyone for help.
I was really scared what people would think of me being a stripper, but to me what’s more important - Surviving and paying for a roof over our head OR everybody talking shit about who they think you are?
It was exhausting and people were like “Oh you’re making so much money and you’re not really even doing much.
But no it’s not - you don’t even know!
N&D: I definitely commend you - I can only imagine especially being so drained providing and giving all your attention to your child and then there’s other parties that then ask for your attention.
Lexi: I would rather have been doing what I’ve been doing than anything else - I would not want to be in a cubicle, be told what to do, and keep being underpaid for my time. I also relate to the feeling of wanting to take “being a fantasy” into a different direction and instead being more connected with ourselves, while still holding onto our sexuality.
N&D: Oh yea and I think just because you’re a hyper sexual person it doesn’t mean you always want to be sexual. You’re a multi-faceted human being and there’s a lot more to you. It’s great and freeing and wild and awesome but there’s other areas of yourself that need attending to!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences from the very beginning. What were your likes, dislikes about stripping?
Lexi: There was this one guy I was dating the whole time and everyone around us was asking “How do we do that? How do we still trust for each other and love each other?”
So I liked that while I was a stripper I was able to constantly practice an open stream of communication with my partner. It was beautiful. He cared and supported me, putting me in such high regard even if plenty of people would’ve said “Oh she’s a dirty stripper.”
N&D: That’s so dumb isn’t it - You can be a doctor and stripper at the same time - it’s not mutually exclusive.
Lexi: People see a lot of black and white and I guess we can’t just blame people. It consists of a lot of social constructs, media influence, etc.
I also disliked my performance anxiety - I might still be a stripper if I didn’t have that to deal with. It was extremely draining for 7 hours to subject myself to pretty much just performing and socializing.
In contrast to that, it showed me I was very strong and capable to get through these things, so in that sense it was very empowering. I’m stronger than I think I am.
I also loved that I had the power to conduct my business the way I wanted - start conversations how I want, dress, dance how I want to, pick my own music.
I loved the creative freedom of it.
I disliked that I could tell I was just a band-aid. I honestly feel there is genuinely a place for this work, but I kept seeing the same thing over and over again.
I was tired of being that band-aid.They keep coming to strippers because they can’t be vulnerable in real life and they have to come to someone who can’t judge them. “How is a stripper going to judge me?”
N&D: But that is a real thing - I’m sure for some it can be daunting to go to a professional or they just don’t know how to go about it. So instead individuals feel they can have some entertainment, some pleasure, and vent.
Lexi: Well I found that my body was a vessel to attract people initially. Once they’re with me and conversing, people often become drawn to be open and feel I can be a safe place for them to discuss intimate things that are shameful. In return I’d de-shamify and relate to them.
That felt natural to me - even more natural than giving a lap dance.
It was so common that people would have issues in their relationships, but instead of going inwards with their partner or themselves, they are looking outwards and trying to put on bandaids, distract themselves temporarily.
I saw it over and over and it pained me a little bit.
I remember feeling that I wanted to offer more somehow and that’s how I found Somatica Institute.
N&D: That’s really interesting that you felt a lot of the clients, I’m assuming mostly men, were using the institution of strip clubs to be more open about how they felt because they couldn’t discuss what I’m assuming were relationship issues or sexual energy issues with their partners.
Lexi:: Yes so much lack of communication and lack of empathy for their partners and themselves.
It’s actually a huge issue - it’s everywhere.
N&D: Oh yes of course, that’s really interesting that happened with you and it transpired in a way where you wanted to help people.
What were some sexual wellness lessons that you learned along the way?
Lexi: Boundaries are really important and mines were constantly challenged - it was a growing edge of mine to keep practicing my boundaries.
I feel like staying “in body” was also another lesson - it can take away from the pleasure and experience you could be having if you’re not grounded. It’s important to check back in with your self and actively be embodied.
N&D: Sex work definitely teaches you a lot and the importance of sexual wellness.
Lexi: Yes and as beautiful as sex can be, there’s the other side of it where you are almost numbing your self or masking something deeper.
I personally was a compulsive masturbator at a certain point in my life.
And I noticed something similar with certain people who would always come to the strip club.
It was compulsive for them to be there and it didn’t go anywhere or do anything.
N&D: I definitely get it - like a quick pleasure button.
In terms of masturbation, I’ve definitely wanted a quick fix. We all have. I’d do it without tapping into why I was REALLY doing it. Later on I’d reflect and it would be simple reasons like wanting to fall asleep, or more complex reasons like distracting myself.
Of course you don’t have to overanalyze all the time why you’re masturbating, but if you’re compulsively doing it then maybe it’s worth looking into - what is it you’re trying to get out of the situation, where would you like this to go, what needs to heal or come out.
There was time in my life where I would have sex because I wanted to feel something. My personality is more avoidant and I learned from a young age to numb my emotions as a way of coping. So I’d numb myself but I didn’t realize that that would trickle into a lot of my sensations. Then instead of being passionate and feeling, I wasn’t really tapped in. I had blocks emotionally.
So that’s a really good point - as beautiful as sex is, you can just be doing it to numb yourself and maybe it’s a good indicator that you need to pay attention to something.
N&D: Well this is my first time pivoting this into the territory of motherhood.
How would you say motherhood has affected you sexually?
Was your sexuality affected at all?
Lexi: No, if anything I actually felt guilty because there was a short period of time where I was distracted by my sexuality. For two years I was a stay at home mom and burnt myself out. My daughter was my whole Universe and I needed a break. I wanted connections with both men and women. I needed to just do something by myself and get some space.
It can be a reoccurring thing, but as the years go on you learn to adjust and become more balanced.
N&D: Yes everyone goes through seasons and life feels like a constant balancing act.
That’s great it didn’t affect you sexually. I’m aware your hormones shift and you can become more focused on the maternal archetype. I know breastfeeding inhibits your libido sometimes and so does being tired all the time.
So for me personally, I’m trying to re-connect with my wild woman archetype and tap back into the core of who I am, who is a really sexual being, but then incorporating and balancing that out with being a mother as well. Right now I’m heavier on the mothering side and just healing within. It is a constant balancing act for sure.
Lexi: I love that Life is this way for a reason.
You go to one side of the spectrum and and realize you need to balance back towards the middle.
N&D: So you basically pivoted into Somatica after you noticed your interaction with clients and felt you could help and contribute to others more by becoming a coach and a listening ear?
Lexi: Yes. I definitely think there are way better strippers out there who are really good at being this sexual actor.
I struggled really hard in being an actor.
I can only be true to myself and who I am. I found myself being super honest while many strippers had this “cool persona.”
There’s definitely a place for stripping and sex work and I’m so grateful for it, but it was really hard for my personality type to continue in that way. I still want to have a little bit of it with me though.
N&D: Totally understand! So you’re branching into Somatica?
Lexi: I’m not a therapist or psychologist but it is Somatica-based coaching.
The co-founders of Somatica realized that talking in sex therapy can only do so much. They wanted to create an experience more similar to coaching. There are rules to follow like clothes on and no touching to climax or kissing on the mouth but the type of work we do is real-time practice. We can do things like cuddling and role-play.
N&D: That’s so interesting! What’s your main goal in being a sex and relationship coach?
Lexi: I had a lot of pain seeing my parent’s relationships struggle. If you see your parents struggle in their relationships, then the household is pretty much fucked and the kids are going along for the ride. Personally that’s how I felt and that’s what drives me a little bit.
I would hope that if some of these people see me, it would bring more harmony into people’s homes and families. Kids can learn from their parents how to listen empathetically and have compassion for someone else’s experience.
I also gravitate towards shy men who feel they have no self worth because I’ve always felt very insecure, like everyone was superior over me. So I have a soft spot in my heart for helping these guys see themselves in a different light.
If anyone’s feeling that way - We’re all generally good people and we all deserve to know we are worthy and good in our heart.
If you want to learn more about the Somatica Method, please visit www.somaticainstitute.com.
For business inquiries, contact: nightanddaywellness@gmail.com
